I wrote this a while back for an Onion-spoof blog that has since been decommissioned. I don’t often write satire or on politics, and so repost it here, against my better judgment, for posterity.
Obama Under Fire for Wielding Imaginary Guns
Shirley Knott contacted the authorities during a local Democratic convention in Washington, D. C., reporting to have felt threatened by the president’s hand gestures, which she said looked as though he was pretending to hold a gun. “There were concerns for peoples’ safety,” said chief of staff Jim Compupe. “In the wake of the recent spate of shootings, people have a right to be disturbed at the imagery.”
Knott isn’t the only one. Others have come forward with similar complaints. According to Lt. Doug Bischoff, head of Presidential Security, one Eileen Leftinal claims to have been shaking in terror as the president spoke at one press release, pointing and waiving his gun-poised hand emphatically. “What really got me was that his finger looked like it would have been on the trigger, if there were one,” Leftinal said. “Even more disconcerting is that at one point it looked like he switched from a handgun to a 50cal” she said. Leftinal is referring to the mounted M2 .50 caliber machine gun recently featured in Rambo, more commonly known as an assault rifle.
Some democrats are outraged, calling for disciplinary action to be taken against the president. Incidents like the school expulsions of Josh Welch, 7, who made a pastry into the shape of a gun and Carin Read, 11, who mimicked a firearm with his hand, raise other questions, such as whether equal disciplinary action against the president would call for impeachment.
But not all Democrats seem as troubled as Compupe. Senator Stu Pidas (MA, D) was quick to defend the present’s actions, claiming Knott and others are only reinforcing the myth created by Republicans that Democrats are hoplophobic. “The Democratic position has never been that no one, ever, should be allowed to wield guns, real or imaginary,” he said. “We only want them in the hands of people in power.”
Leftinal is suffering from PTSD, but has been forced to stop treatment after her health insurance plan was cancelled earlier this month. Her new plan, Obamacare, doesn’t cover it.